friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.