DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not