[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected