Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one