[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT