[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I support this random dude and all his protests
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.