Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
You Might Also Like
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
😂😂😂
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week