If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no