therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended