Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
spicy snake
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”