*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
birds and squirrels envy us
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid