My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
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We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start