friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
You Might Also Like
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner