Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.