Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Geez man, take it easy.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.