When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You Might Also Like
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Love it! 👍😂
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium