I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.