[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question