*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.