first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Aight bet
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Banana is the quietest snack
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos