BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…