[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Today’s Times
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.