I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
fr
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
i smell a pulitzer
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Lmaoo 😂