I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
screw you
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
huge if true: the moon
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.