I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.