I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Muppet Screams
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most