My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.