People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Baller is short for ballerina
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.