911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Finally, a door that understands me
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
This woman is my idol. Free her.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.