man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
No, he would not have.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.