Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
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GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It’s an epidemic…
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.