Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.