“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*