I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
real
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The 4 stages of a family vacation
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.