My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
that lip filler tho
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!