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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Boom, boom, ching!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic