[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.