my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward