[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.