[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
i meant to share this earlier
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Mission: Impossible