When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.