*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
there’s probably a fee though
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
He wanted to make sure😂
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑