88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Batman v Dracula
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.