friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Am getting real tired of your crap…
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?