Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?