when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.