if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
You Might Also Like
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”