Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
You Might Also Like
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.