Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.