yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.